(Hint: If You don’t know the answer to this one, you’re reading the wrong blog.)

The long months between New Year’s Day and Halloween – the time of year I call the Halloween Pre-Season – can seem endless. Although Valentine’s Day does help to break up the gray monotony of midwinter, as holidays go, it just doesn’t compare to Halloween!

So what makes Halloween so much better than Valentine’s Day?

 

#1:  Halloween has the best entertainment.

 

Halloween movies – AWESOME! Valentine’s Day movies – BORING! (Okay, there’s always My Bloody Valentine…)

Halloween music is a lot more fun than Valentine’s Day music. There are only so many love songs you can listen to before getting nauseous. Halloween, on the other hand, has a great soundtrack; in fact, I like to listen to my Halloween playlist on Spotify all year round.

Haunted Halloween attractions draw huge crowds every year. There’s a reason why there are no Valentine’s Day attractions. For example, who would want to go to a “Romance House?” Would actors dressed as Cupid jump out at you and shoot you with tiny arrows? Would there be rooms where you can see people dancing, having a lovely dinner, or holding hands? Ugh. I’ll pass.

A Halloween Hayride is always fun, but a Valentine’s Day hayride could result in hypothermia.

 

#2:  Decorating is a lot more fun.

 

Halloween decorations are way cooler, often cheaper, and not maudlin or sentimental.

Halloween has much better yard decorations. If you go all out in your yard décor, friends, neighbors, and passers-by will hail you as the Queen (or King) of Halloween. If you create an elaborate yard display for Valentine’s Day, they’ll call you a weirdo behind your back.

You don’t get to carve up decorative gourds on Valentine’s Day. Every time you carve a pumpkin, you’re expressing your creativity and helping to support our farmers.

 

 

Most importantly, on Halloween, the decorative hearts are anatomically correct. 

 

#3:  It’s easier to be happy on Halloween.

 

Halloween doesn’t deliberately make single people feel bad. No one has to feel like a loser if they don’t have a date on Halloween. You don’t have to be part of a couple, unless you want to wear one of those weird couples costumes.

Valentine’s Day can be full of anxiety about getting the perfect romantic gift for your special someone. Fortunately, Halloween is free of any pressure to create a memorable romantic experience.

You don’t have to shop for maudlin cards and flowers. A gift of candy, of course, is great idea for any day!

Doing something romantic for your significant other is expected of you on Valentine’s Day; if you fail, you’re a bad person. On the other hand, if you do the same thing on Halloween, you’ll get a lot more credit for it.

If you don’t want to celebrate Halloween, you can just leave your porch light off. If you don’t want to celebrate Valentine’s Day, you may be in for a big fight with your significant other.

If someone says you look scary or creepy on Halloween, you take it as a compliment. If they say it on Valentine’s Day, it’s not a good sign.

If you say you hate Halloween, everyone will think you’re a miserable bastard because only mean people hate Halloween. A lot of people hate Valentine’s Day; indeed, it’s often considered cool to say how much you hate it.

One of the nicest things about Halloween is that even dead people like it because everyone thinks about them.

 

#4:  Dressing up is fun!

 

Wearing a costume for Halloween is expected; wearing a costume on Valentine’s Day is weird/kinky.

On Halloween, you can dress up as anything or anybody you want, and no one will judge you for it. (Of course, there are always exceptions. Sometimes people are dicks.) Even if you’re a woman who is normally reserved, you can go out dressed as a slutty firefighter or naughy nurse for one day. Try doing that on Valentine’s Day.

Valentine parties don’t have Best Costume contests.

 

If you dress up your pet for Valentine’s Day, people will make fun of them… and you.

If you wear a mask on Halloween, it’s for fun. If you wear a mask on Valentine’s Day, it’s because you’re hiding, because you’re just weird, or maybe you’ve watched Fifty Shades of Grey too many times.

 

#5:  Gluttony, one of the most popular of the Seven Deadly Sins.

 

On Halloween, Gluttony is not only allowed, but encouraged.

The candy is a lot cheaper and not as fancy but much more plentiful. You can get a couple giant bags of mini candy bars at Costco for the price of one lousy Godiva ballotin.

One of the best things about Halloween is that people will still give you candy even if you’re not attractive, charming, or popular.

You can also give candy to other people on Halloween, and they won’t take it the wrong way. Especially children. Halloween’s free pass on Gluttony actually encourages kids to talk to strangers and even knock on their doors and beg for candy! Whereas on Valentine’s Day, talking to strangers and accepting candy from them is definitely not a good idea.

 

Some miscellaneous observations

It‘s much easier to get dinner reservations on Halloween.

There have never been any mass killings (that I know of) associated with Halloween. But Valentine’s Day can’t make the same claim. Remember the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre? When’s the last time you heard about a “Halloween Massacre?”

One last bit of advice: If someone hands you a note that says “Your heart will soon be mine” on Valentine’s Day, you may be flattered. But if they do it on Halloween, you’ll probably want to get a restraining order.