Director: Clive Barker
Stars: Andrew Robinson, Clare Higgins
Snack Report: GH Cretor’s “The Mix” (cheddar and caramel corn – together in the same bag!!!), or as we call it, “Crack.”
Viewing Companions: Zelda, Mr. Falbeaux
You may be surprised to hear this, but until tonight, I was a Hellraiser virgin. Despite its near-iconic horror film status, I had never seen it or any of its sequels. So I decided one of my 31 Fright Nights would be the night I would lose my Hellraiser virtue.
And sadly, as it happens for so many others, the anticipation was better than the reality.
The movie opens with Frank in some exotic locale, buying a magic cube from a mysterious stranger. Unfortunately, when he solves the evil Rubik’s Cube, it summons some strange-looking creatures (the Cenobites) who tear him apart and steal his body. Frank then takes up residence under the attic floor as a pile of goo with only his rat friends to keep him company.
Meanwhile, his brother Larry and wife Julia are moving into the old family home, which as you know, is never EVER a good idea. The house is full of disgusting things (not just Frank), and don’t even get me started on the kitchen. Suffice to say, I think they blew the special-effects budget just on maggots.
Julia has second thoughts about the house, but once she discovers Frank (or some slimy semblance of Frank) in the attic, she is unaccountably reminded of their wild sex romps back when Frank had skin. He convinces her to lure horny middle-aged men up to the attic so he can suck the life out of them to regenerate his body, return to his former hotness, and maybe even grow some useful organs.
As you can imagine, things get pretty weird… but unfortunately not weird enough that you can’t guess where every scene is headed. Most of the action is pretty predictable, and I had difficulty caring about what was going to happen next. And what’s the deal with the bug-eating homeless dude?
Besides that, here’s what I found disappointing about Hellraiser:
- My biggest complaint – I thought the Cenobites (Pinhead and his demonic pals) should have been the focal point of this movie, and they didn’t get nearly enough screen time.
- I would have expected a bigger effects budget for a film that was as anticipated as Clive Barker’s directorial debut. Instead, we get unconvincing gore even by 80s standards, with Silly Putty skin and oceans of fake blood and guts that look exactly like sausages and meat scraps floating in spilled red paint.
- Okay, this is a little nit-picky, but I felt like I was stuck in an 80s time capsule. The clothes. The eyeglasses. Very big hair. Massive shoulder pads. So distracting… I couldn’t stop looking at them.
- Did I mention the Big Hair? It was sooo big.
My favorite film critic, the late great Roger Ebert, had nothing good to say about Hellraiser, and I can see his point. I’ll conclude with a quote from his review:
“This is one of those movies you sit through with mounting dread, as the fear grows inside of you that it will indeed turn out to be feature length.”
After two nights in a row watching movies about creepy bloodsucking bald dudes, I have something different in mind for tomorrow night… Stay tuned!